The Future Hilarity of Motion Controls
Do you drop things? For no good reason? I do. All the freaking time. Bump into things? Right there with ya. Spill stuff? Don’t even get me started. My video game controllers are no exception to this, they get dropped more often than my phone. And if my DS could talk, it would likely press domestic abuse charges (if it wasn’t too retarded to form sentences, that is). The potential for stories of other people hurting themselves or damaging property because of the new motion control schemes from Microsoft and Sony puts a smile on my face, which should come as no surprise. Hell, I already have a Wii, and my Wiimote has tested gravity on several different occasions.
This can be especially embarrassing for gamers who pride themselves on their hand-eye coordination, as well. Egos can get bruised when everyone finds out that the guy who just smoked them online is the same one that flung their controller out the window and killed a raccoon. On accident. I’m also not talking about throwing your controller in a fit of nerdrage, either. That’s a separate issue entirely. Unless you’re unfortunate enough to get more clumsy the angrier you get. Like a gimpy Hulk or something.
Nintendo’s Wii: The TV Breaker
Hopefully you guys were paying attention every time some poor klutz winged their Wiimote through/at/into their television. Because there were multiple instances, and I dislike repeating myself unless it’s for comedic effect. Numerous stories and pics of busted screens, and a few of a Wiimote poking out of a wall have appeared on the internet. Kids, when Nintendo says to buckle your wrist strap, they fucking mean business. Your television could wind up paying the price. Or your wall. Or your cat. You get the idea.
While I’ve never hucked my Wiimote at my television (even if I have seriously considered it on occasion), I have fumbled and dropped it on several occasions. On my coffee table, and hard tiles. Like most Nintendo products, it hasn’t shown any sign of breaking any time soon. Which is good, considering what a klutz I can be. I’m much more likely to put out an eye than my television, though. While that hasn’t happened yet, I can just imagine explaining that one to my friends.
“Paul, what did you do to your eye? Did you get in a fight?”
“Yeah, with my Wii. Kicked my ass.”
“What were you playing?”
“It may or may not have been a Barbie game.”
Microsoft’s Kinect: Look and Feel Like an Idiot
While Kinect has no actual controller for you to throw, drop, or fumble, it does have potential. The potential to send you careening face first into your television, depending on how off balance you are. I can see people tilting and flopping awkwardly from attempting something in a game, it already happens fairly frequently. I am going to be incredibly disappointed if stories along those lines don’t become a reality. And given how drunk some people get while gaming, I’ll probably be satisfied.
While I’m discussing drunkenness and poor coordination along with Kinect, I feel the need to express a wish. It’s a simple one: beer pong for Kinect. The videos have already shown us the game with balls flying at you, the jump seems perfectly logical to me. It could even simulate inebriation by making the motion controls off-kilter with increased virtual beer drinking. I know I’d buy Kinect just for a game like that, but I also handle balls flying at my face better than most people I know. And for the record, I don’t have a problem drinking. I have a problem stopping.
But really, if the videos are any indication of how you control a Kinect game, I can see things going badly for nearly anyone at any given time. And I am ready to laugh at all of them.
Sony’s Move: More Than a Sex Toy
Oh, Sony. Sony, Sony, Sony. Where should I start? With the move controller being in two pieces, like another nunchuk controller we’ve seen? Or that you’ve borrowed design schematics from Fleshlight and Slumber Party products? How about the glowing joyball at the top? I think it’s definitely safe to assume the rumble feature is still intact. I honestly haven’t laughed this much at a video game product since Nintendo decided to call it the Wii.
At least with the Move, Sony has the Sixaxis to point to. It gives them a sliver of credibility in the motion control department, which is better than if they hadn’t dabbled in motion controls at all. Not that the Sixaxis was a smashing success, but hopefully Sony learns from it. Hopefully.
While I can imagine the Move being put through the same paces as the Wiimote, the ball adds an extra twist. My dirty little mind can’t stop picturing the ball being stuck places…it should probably not be. Use your imaginations, I’m sure you can get there without me spelling things out for you. I’m betting it will happen, and the internet will never be the same once it does. I can only imagine the emergency room conversations.
“He has a Move controller stuck where?”
“You heard me.”
“How does that even work? That can’t be good.”
“You didn’t have to examine him. That was ugly.”
So Nintendo has basically started us off with tales of smashed screens and damaged drywall, now it’s up to Microsoft and Sony to give us some home disaster stories of their own. Granted, this could all be me overreacting, and we might not hear any horror stories about any of these. But given the Wii’s track record, and how klutzy people can be, I’m seriously doubting it. Besides, we all need someone to laugh at. Including ourselves. I’ll try to keep the giggling to a minimum if it turns out to be you, but I can’t promise anything.
About the Author
Paul Cross
Paul graduated high school playing video games, got bored with college playing video games, and then was hopelessly sucked into retail, where he’s been trapped ever since, still playing video games. Now he writes about them, and it would best if you got out of his way.
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