The Fall of Samus Aran

Putting “Metroid: Other M” and the phrase “is a good game” in a logical sentence is as hard as doing the same with “Hitler” and the phrase “Jews are fantastic!” It takes around 10-12 hours to complete Metroid: Other M. Here are ten more productive things you could do in that time instead of playing Other M:

1. Play Halo: Reach.
2. Go swimming.
3. Learn French.
4. Take a beginner’s driving course.
5. Read the Bible backwards.
6. Consume 13 pounds of dry wall.
7. Perform an abortion. For a kangaroo.
8. Burn down a nursing home.
9. Smoke cigarettes with cancer patients.
10. Suicide.

Team Ninja has effectively destroyed the franchise’s credibility with this singular effort of digital diarrhea. The manner in which Metroid: Other M accomplishes such a feat is a testament to its status as a paradigm of video game vomit. Firstly, it lacks every gameplay mechanic, atmospheric element, and plot device that has defined the Metroid series. Then it replaces them with ideas and mechanics that I’d expect to come from a pack of retarded chimpanzees. Secondly, the game destroys the character of Samus, turning her into a frail, docile, whiny brat. But did anyone really expect the creators of Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball to be a helping part of painting a respectful portrait of a female character? But the truth is, they didn’t write the game’s storyboard. That was all longtime Metroid writer Yoshio Sakamoto. Metroid: Other M was a clusterfuck spawned by multiple parties, and I’ll try to explain how it all went disgustingly wrong.

The 2011 Toyota Gameplay Award for being pratically unplayable

The Metroid series has relied on enthralling gamers with a sense of isolation in extremely foreign landscapes, while mixing in crisp-gameplay mechanics and fun power-ups. Metroid’s subtle complexity was the reason why gamers were so timid when Retro Studios, a developer far superior to Team Ninja, originally began transferring Metroid from the 2D realm to the 3D environments of Metroid Prime. Yet, due to their ingenuity and strong developing skills, Retro pulled it off.

The only thing Team Ninja pulled off in Other M was breaking as many gameplay mechanics as possible in a ten-hour period. We expected Team Ninja to take the best 3D elements of the Metroid Prime games and combine them with the 2D sense of isolation from the older installments. You know, mixing 2D retro awesomeness with 3D modernity (a la Super Mario Galaxy).

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Well Steverino, don’t you know that Team Ninja already made Ninja Gaiden, da greatest most superdey-duper 2D-3D hybrid of all tiemz?!” Yes, I am aware, and yeah: Ninja Gaiden was great. But that was developed when Itagaki led Team Ninja. Trying to find worth in an Itagaki-less Team Ninja to like trying to find educational value out of a decapitated tutor.

The game’s core mechanic is switching between the 2D third-person perspective of the old Metroid games, and 3D first-person shooter style of the Prime series. It sounds like a fantastic idea on paper, but in practice, the transition is about as smooth as a desert made out of barbed-wire. Turning the Wii Remote into a pointing position from horizontal controls can kindly be described as “clunky” and can accurately be described as “broken.” In fact, the most challenging aspect of the game is trying to get it to function properly. Even funnier is the fact that the game seems to be self-aware of how terribly designed it is. The main goal of most boss fights is just to point at a specific target, for performing that task is asking a lot, and the game knows this. Basically, Team Ninja expects you to feel a sense of accomplishment for getting the game to work. When you do, it feels about as rewarding as cleaning laundry.

Oh, and remember that feeling of isolation and discomfort Metroid is supposed to inflict on the gamer? Well, Team Ninja & Friends thought it would be a great idea to add a cast of annoying squadmates to follow you around everywhere. And boy, if you think their dialogue makes them sound stupid, just wait to you see how their A.I. performs. Throughout the course of the game, the squad simultaneously destroys Metroid’s atmosphere, and simultaneously makes you want to bash your skull in with an egg beater due to their stupid A.I. antics.

Mix all that in with bland environments, generic enemies, boring-power up, and the god-awful decision to include auto-aim in 2D mode (forcing gamers to switch to the even more horrible first-person mode) and you get the worst designed Metroid game ever.

“How to Rape A Female Character Without Using Another Character’s Penis” (aka Metroid: Other M’s story)

There is no gaming-industry produced character that I am more proud of than Samus. It’s great to know that an industry that I love so much (an industry that is also dominated by horny males), could produce such a strong female character. She didn’t speak not because she didn’t want to, but because she didn’t need to. She just went out and did her job; slaying thousands of aliens and raking in the dough afterward. Samus was the ultimate badass. She was a female hero that even boys could look up to. Was.

The writers of Other M only saw only three things in a woman worth depicting:

1) A vagina.
2) A pair of large breasts.
3) An ass that could look great in spandex.

Female empowerment, confidence, not being a dumbshit, etc.; all that apparently doesn’t mean a thing to Sakamoto. They decided to give her the standard, dehumanizing female traits that sexists usually give. Samus is portrayed in Other M as a spoiled, whiny, emotionally fractured, little bitch. Yes, a bitch; a sexist man’s depiction of a woman. She is the product of sexist, hollow, and myopic writers who rely on stereotypes and ridiculous generalizations to design female characters.

Samus in Other M is not the smart, powerful, and quick-thinking woman from the past games. Instead, she is unbelievably stupid. Since she serves as the game’s narrator, Samus has a running dialogue throughout the game. She speaks with a twelve-year old girl’s state of mind, repeatedly asking dumb questions with a sense of childish wonderment (not to mention, all of the game’s cutscenes contain terrible cinematography, dialogue, and voice-acting). Plot developments we see coming from a mile away she can’t even seem to grasp. More to the point, in flashbacks, we see a young Samus act incredibly immaturely. Her response in meetings is to give a “thumbs down” signs to commanding officers. Is that how women are supposed to showcase independence? By acting like spoiled brats?

Samus also is a slave to the male character Adam Malkovich, who is portrayed as her father-figure. Samus begins Other M with all of her power-ups, freshly off of Super Metroid, but chooses not to use them. Why? Because Adam Malkovich tells her not to. She believes she must get his approval for EVERYTHING, since he’s obviously smarter with that penis of his. Later in the game, Malkovich goes on to sacrifice himself to destroy the Metroid infestation that is the root of the game’s plot, as Samus (locked in a power suit) is left helpless to do anything. She resorts to begging, screaming, and crying at him to convince him to not go ahead with his sacrificial plans. The Samus I know would shoot that asshole in the leg and take care of business herself. She would find a way no matter what the circumstances are. This Samus? Team Ninja puts her in the position of a feeble, helpless little girl; a bystander to a man’s heroics.

But the the most shocking and insulting moment in the game is her confrontation with her old-time nemesis, Ridley. Other M is the last in the Metroid series, meaning Samus has mutilated Ridley’s ass around a dozen times by now. But what does Samus do in Other M when Ridley confronts her? She has a panic attack and passes out. Ridley picks her up, and goes on to beat the living pulp out of her fainted body until she is rescued by a strong, brave, male character name Anthony.

That is actually what happens.

He goes so far to scream at Ridley: “Don’t you know how to treat a lady?” A lady? This woman has committed alien genocide. She is the most feared person in the galaxy; Ridley is treating her just like he should be. This single line isn’t the character of the game talking, it’s the developers talking through him. This is how they view Samus, and likewise, all women. She is just lady, a small orphaned girl one who should be coddled and held onto, and then rammed in the ass since that’s all she is good for. And yeah, Samus’ glutes light up the screen for a good half of her scenes. Because that’s all woman are good for in video game cutscenes these days.

Just as offensive is the diction of Anthony, who is black. No, he doesn’t say “We need to find an exit” or “We have to get out of here!” in moments of peril. Instead, he yells “WHERE DA EXIT AT?!” and “YO SAMUS, RUN GIRL!” Because everyone knows that if black space marines were to exist in the future, they’d speak in urban ebonics while pointing at their gold chains. Duh.

I received no enjoyment whatsoever from Metroid: Other M. Every moment of the game was tainted in some way. Some moments were destroyed by terrible dialogue, other moments were tarnished by horrible gameplay. The screw-ups and poor decisions hit me left and right, banging me into submission. The only reason I finished this game was because I felt I had to as a Nintendo enthusiast. Metroid: Other M is an example of the downside of writing about Nintendo: you’re forced to suffer through Nintendo’s screw-ups. And boy, when it comes to screwing up, Nintendo is some kind of coked-up wizard.

All this game gave me was anger. I would have more fun playing Metroid: Pinball with the Nintendo 64 turned off. This truly is the worst Metroid game of all-time, and perhaps the worst Nintendo published game since, well … Mario Party 6? All of Team Ninja’s lack of creativity and ineptitude would eventually be forgiven if Metroid’s writers had not chosen to permanently malign Samus’ character. In an industry where females are rarely given strong portrayals, Samus stood out, even if she said very little.

Now I just want her to shut up.

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