The Eight Worst Nintendo Characters. Ever.
Nintendo has created some truly iconic characters during their run. Mario, Link, Donkey Kong, Bowser, and Luigi have all become globally recognized stars. But despite every home run character that Nintendo has created, they have also designed some really horrific abominations. In fact, it’s safe to say character development is not Nintendo’s strongest suit. Even out of the icons I listed, only Luigi has something resembling a personality. The following eight horrors are the Big N’s failed attempts at adding “color” to games. Let’s just say it would be best if Nintendo left things black and white.
8. Waluigi
First Appearance: Mario Tennis (Nintendo 64)
The game in which Waluigi makes his first appearance should tell you all you need to know about why he was created. Waluigi is the retarded bi-product of Nintendo developers trying way too hard to make a contrived idea work. Waluigi was originally designed as Wario’s doubles partner, and is supposed to be the antitheses to Luigi (as if the name didn’t spell that out for you). While Wario has always been a fun foible to Mario, Waluigi is merely a forced doof.
Visually, Waluigi just looks stupid. In real life, Waluigi would measure about nine-feet tall and weigh about 75 pounds. His voice is grinding on the ears, his mannerisms are embarrassingly ridiculous, and every game he’s involved is made at least 2% worse due to his inclusion.
However Waluigi does get some serious brownie points for the Mario Power Tennis intro, arguably the best intro to anything, ever:
7. Birdo
First Appearance: Super Mario Bros. 2 (NES)
Birdo’s origins are about as disturbing as her very existence. In the Super Mario Bros 2. manual, Birdo is described as a male who believes he is a female, and would rather be called “Birdetta”. Nintendo, quickly realizing the consequences of having to explain such a potentially divisive character, decided to end the controversy with Mario Tennis, in which they pushed the notion of Yoshi and Birdo being lovers. Too bad no one bought it, because every sensible gamer knows Yoshi has more self-respect than that. Despite her weird history, Birdo is also one of the most sexually diffusing characters ever created. The mere sight of her “blowhole” makes my privates shrivel.
Nintendo created this abomination of a character, and now they have to live with it.
6. The Dog from Duckhunt
First Appearance: Duckhunt (NES)
For a game that is designed for players who want to kill off steam, there is nothing more aggravating than that bastard of a canine in Duck Hunt. At first glance, the Dog from Duck Hunt is a pretty awesome companion. There he is, helping you out, catching ducks for you as you murder them. What a loyal sweetheart! He seems like a friend, and why wouldn’t he be? After all, he hails from a species known for being “man’s best friend.”
Man’s sarcastic little prick is more like it. Every time you miss in Duck Hunt, the Dog guffaws straight in your face. Every single time. The light-brown jackass views your completely reasonable imperfection as his own personal comedy club, and he has no qualms about letting you know how stupid he thinks you are. Due to his arrogance and douchebaggery, he is easily one of the most unlikeable things Nintendo has ever created.
5. Pichu
First Appearance: Pokemon Gold & Silver (Gameboy Color)
Now don’t suck that money teet too hard, Nintendo!
Look, Pichu’s creation is understandable. Kids across the globe worshipped Pikachu in the late nineties. Nintendo had every right to try and strike lightning twice. But Pichu is just too much of a blatant attempt at making Pikachu “cuter” to go unnoticed. He’s got pink cheeks in place of Pikachu’s red ones, an even squeakier voice than Pikachu’s, and he’s got all these little black stripes on top. Even children realized that there was something weird about Pichu suddenly “appearing” with no prior knowledge of his existence. They also might have been cognizant of Nintendo’s attempt at further manipulation; Pichu didn’t come close to reaching Pikachu’s popularity.
The worst part about Pichu is just how useless he is. Trying to get Pichu to evolve is ridiculously hard. His base stats are one step above a Magikarp, and his defense is lower. This same futility was carried over to Super Smash Bros. Melee, where Pichu literally exploded if you used to many moves.
4. Slippy Toad
First Appearance: Star Fox (Super Nintendo)
I have always imagined the sound of an extinction-level meteorite crashing into Earth to resemble the voice of Slippy Toad. Slippy Toad is supposed to be the “brains” of the Star Fox team. While he might be book smart, he possess the flight skills of a blind man who has oranges for hands.
Slippy is the incompetent, always in need of help, retarded fuck up of the Star Fox universe. Throughout the course of a mission, Slippy gets in numerous traps and is constantly in trouble, and you’re always forced to save him. “Fox! Get this guy off me!” he cries. How about you shut your green mouth and learn how to fly your own damn Arwing, Slippy?
3. Jynx
First Appearance: Pokemon Red & Blue (Gameboy)
Jynx tips, flips, and then pummels the Pokemon creep scale with her weirdness. The design process for Jynx obviously followed the old adage that if all else fails, you can always rely on a prostitute to come through. Jynx is essentially the Drag Queen Pokemon. She’s covered in blackface, wears a blonde wig, and wears a dress stripped from a Party City clearance rack. Oh, and for some reason, she’s an ice-type Pokemon. Because by that point, who gives a fuck about making sense?
2. Tingle
First Appearance: The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask (Nintendo 64)
The Child Catcher from Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang. The Clown from Poltergeist. Buffalo Bob. What do all these famous cinema creeps have in common? Their individually creepiness pales in comparison to that of Tingle.
If you asked me to design a child rapist video game character, I would never come close to the pedophilia perfection of Majora’s Mask’s Tingle. Tingle is a short, 35 year-old man who has an obsession with fairies. During the day, he rides a balloon, looking for kids in tunics to sell maps too. If that doesn’t sound like a description for a terrible video game character, I don’t know what does.
And what the hell is Kooloo-Limpah supposed to even signify? Happiness? If I won the lottery and shouted “Kooloo-Limpah!” in response, my newly rich self would still lose all my friends. If Tingle and Birdo are the best gay-leaning characters Nintendo could do, then they really need to stop creating them altogether. The gays of the world deserve better.
1. Navi
First Appearance: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (Nintendo 64)
Navi was designed to be a wise helper to gamers, giving hints and suggestions throughout the somewhat difficult Ocarina of Time. She wasn’t much of a help. In fact, consider her the only flaw of what was otherwise a perfect game. Navi – Hey! – umm, anyway, is arguably the most annoying – Hey! – err, character in video game history. She – Listen! – okay, shut the hell up you irritating shitball of light!
I tried to murder Navi more times in Ocarina of Time than I did Ganon. She brings out the worst in me, and then some. I guess I just really hate that – Hey! – FAIRY!
Listen!
***For more Nintendo rants, musings, and listings, check back every Monday for more editions of The Nintendo Dude.***
About the Author
Steve Bogda
Steve is the primary owner of The DamnLag. He currently attends New York University, where he studies Film, History and Politics. When he is not writing about Nintendo, Steve runs the day to day operations of The DamnLag, as its Editor-in-Chief.
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