The Ten Dumbest Moments in Video Game History
The video game industry is relatively young, so unfortunately that also means it’s relatively dumb. Sometimes the industry is so ridiculously idiotic it makes you wonder how we made it this far. This week, The NPCs are naming off the cream of the crop when it comes to stupidity in gaming. We’ve got fuckups and misshaps aplenty; blunders and dumbness galore. Reminder: we at DAMNLAG are not responsible for any loss of braincells and/or the lowering of IQ scores as a result of reading this article. Participants this week include Jaleel Boone, Steve Bogda, and Paul Cross.
10. Jack Thompson’s gets his fifteen minutes.
Jaleel says: First and foremost, the gaming community must face ourselves in the mirror, for we too have had our share of dumb moments. Numero uno being the creation of the greatest troll in the history of the gaming industry: John Bruce “Jack” Thompson. A psychotic anti-gaming activist, Jack was a sensationalist who said whatever he could to get attention. And attention we gave him. The gaming media reported on every ridiculous and outlandish comment he made, and in the attempt to shoot down his credibility, we gave him the forum to wax his insanity whenever he could. A guy whose name I shouldn’t even know became a fixture on my favorite blogs. Right as the mainstream media started to take notice, some going so far as to quote him as an “expert” in his field, Thompson shot himself in the foot by getting permanently disbarred behind inappropriate conduct and making false statements in court. Luckily he ended his reign of annoyance, but if anything can be learned from Jack Thompson’s fifteen minutes of fame, it’s the age-old saying: do not feed the troll.
9. The Migraine Boy.
Paul says: The Virtual Boy. This abortion of a system used red and black exclusively, which caused me countless headaches (I was working in the Sears Funtronics Department when the damn thing came out, and I had to demonstrate it. Against my will.). With Nintendo blaming Gunpei Yokoi (the creator) for its failure, the Virtual Headache didn’t even last a full year in retail. I am constantly amazed that it even lasted that long. With a sickly 22 games in its library, and red red red everywhere, it should never have left the design stage the way it was.
8. More is Less: the tale of the Jaguar controller.
Paul says: The Jaguar controller. I’d consider clubbing someone to death as its primary function before I thought it was actually a controller for a video game console. People bitch about the original Xbox controller, but this thing was gargantuan and overly complicated. That last part isn’t an exaggeration, by the way. Developers had difficulty figuring out how to get the thing to cooperate with their games, which therefore contributed to a lack of titles. As if that weren’t enough, Atari only wound up selling 125,000 consoles, with 100,000 still in inventory. Add in the lack of titles, a host of unreleased peripherals, and buggy hardware and you have a merchandising mess, folks. The thing lost out to the 3DO, for fuck’s sake. Do the math, indeed.
Paul says: The planning stages for Nokia’s N-Gage had to have gone something like this:
“Ooh, me!”
And the Game Taco was born. Er, I mean the N-Gage. Not only was it an odd shaped phone, it was a Game Boy knockoff with awkward buttons! And barely fifty games! With little to no impact on the market and packed with awkward controls, I’d be curious to see how this thing got the green light in the first place. I’m guessing copious amounts of alcohol. Even better, those few suckers who got one will be seeing service for the device discontinued after this year. Have fun with that.
6. Kaz should have just called in sick.
Jaleel says: Sony’s press conference for E3 2006 is a modern marvel. A display of mastery at the art of failure. The Sony 2006 Press Conference did not include just one dumb moment, but a sequence of stupidity. If I intentionally tried to sabotage the unveiling of the successor to the best-selling video game console of all time, I wouldn’t have done as well as Kaz Hirai in 2006. Between gryoscopic controllers, giant crabs, Ridge Racers, and the “wait, did he just say $599 US dollars?” price point of $599 US dollars, Sony had managed to ruin an ankle and a one lap headstart before the the next-gen race even began.
5. 3DO: a console rimmed with gold and diamonds.
Jaleel says: Time Magazine called the 3DO the 1994 Product of the Year. The Panasonic produced console by the co-founder of EA was a technical beast and had the media fawning over its possibilities. Electronic Arts was on deck and developers had extra incentive with royalty fees far less than what Sega and Nintendo were charging at the time. But the one thing that caused the 3DO’s dreadful demise was the laughably retarded decision to launch at $699 (somewhere around $1,025 in modern money). The console quickly brought the demise of The 3DO Company. By the time they had decided to change the pricing near the end of the console’s life, the cheaper and more advanced Sony Playstation had already become the shiny new toy on the block.
4. Yamauchi & Friends being douches.
Steve says: If we really wanted to (and we really did), we could have filled this entire list with just Hiroshi Yamauchi quotes and moments. But we’re not. Instead we’ll have to settle with a compilation of insanely dumb soundbites to come from the gaming master of stupidity. God bless this man:
“I have been saying this for some time, but customers are not interested in grand games with higher-quality graphics and sound and epic stories. Only people who do not know the videogame business would advocate the release of next-generation machines when people are not interested in cutting-edge technologies.”
“[People who play RPGs are] depressed gamers who like to sit alone in their dark rooms and play slow games.”
“There are many people in the industry that know nothing about games. In particular, a large American company is trying to do engulf software houses with money, but I don’t believe that will go well. It looks like they’ll sell their game system next year, but we’ll see the answer to that the following year.”
UPDATED: It has come to our attention that some of the quotes we posted were phony quotes. We apologize for posting them and they have been removed.
I nearly shat myself when I first read that last one. But Nintendo fanboys can’t forget one very important fact: Yamauchi was not the only dumbass at Nintendo’s camp back in the day. Whether it be Iwata’s belief that “Gamers don’t want online gaming” or Reggie Fils Aime’s claim that Nintendo would win over the Halo audience, Nintendo is filled with people just wanting to say stupid things. They have a wait-list in their PR office for it. But past quotable moments, Nintendo can also be pretty dumb when it really counts. During the late 80s, Nintendo got into more legal trouble than they had bargained for. Most notably, New York State sued the Big N for holding a monopoly over the gaming market in 1991, which caused Nintendo to give a $5.00 rebate to all of their NES customers. Not only did Nintendo not understand some key tenets American capitalism, they also had terrible counseling on the American judicial system.
3. The “Saturnday” surprise takes a turn off a cliff.
Steve says: Oh, Sega. That must have been some really sweet blow your mother snorted while you were in the womb.
The whole Saturnday debacle was not only an extremely dumb moment, but it also might have been the weirdest moment in video game history. In early 1995, Sega president Tom Kalinski stated that the Saturn would hit retail September, 2nd, labeling it as “Saturnday.” This made way for Sony to announce that September 9th would be the Playstation’s big debut. Instead of standing ground in the face of competition like a normal business, Sega panicked. At E3, Kalinski came out and shocked the world with an incredibly stupid announcement: “September 2nd was a lie, the Saturn is out now!” As the crowd of gamers cheered in delight, confused developers across the globe shouted a collective “WTF?” The Saturn now came out five months early without a proper marketing campaign, third party support, or a comparable price tag to to the Playstation’s (the Saturn retailed at a hefty $399 compared to the Playstation’s $299) The shock announcement pissed of retailers, with Walmart and K-Mart nearly dropping the system all together. Everyone says Sony kicked Sega’s ass but that’s bullshit: Sega kicked Sega’s ass. Hard.
2. ET & Pac-Man 2600 team up to destroy the gaming industry.
Paul says: I know most of you aren’t old enough to remember the Atari 2600. That means you likely don’t remember the horrible movie game that birthed the concept of horrible movie games. E.T., the Extra Terrestrial. Not only were the controls awful, the objectives vague, and the graphics poor (even for the 2600, which was crap itself), but Atari was naïve enough to bank on the Hollywood property supporting sales. They didn’t, by the way. They didn’t even bother testing the damn thing. The 2600 version of Pac-Man was equally disappointing, as it only vaguely resembled its arcade counterpart. So disappointing, in fact, that several million copies of each game are currently occupying prime vacation space in a landfill in New Mexico.
The retard at hand: Atari. The entire industry that Atari practically built was collapsing by 1984, and the company itself had garnered over 500 million dollars in losses. The only company in the world that was having even a sliver of success at this point was Nintendo’s Famicom, which was selling faster than Godzilla in the country. Although crippled, Atari was still the West’s biggest gaming company, appealing to Nintendo’s plans for a worldwide expansion of their new console. Nintendo wanted Atari to distribute Nintendo products worldwide, and the struggling Atari wanted the exact same thing. After numerous meetings and summits, Nintendo and Atari were on the cusp of making the biggest move in video gaming history.
Instead we got the biggest miss.
It’s CES, 1984. Then president of Atari, Ray Kassar sees a copy of Donkey Kong being played on Coleco’s ADAM computer. He goes on to throws gaming’s largest hissy fit (even Yamauchi had nothing on this guy’s outburst), called out Nintendo as backstabbers and traitors, and eventually causes the whole mega-deal to blow up in his face. Nasser got canned, talks between the two companies were stalled, and Atari got closer to the edge of bankruptcy. Nintendo saw Atari’s rotting corpse, and decided to give distribution in America a shot on their own. Twenty-six years later, Atari is a no-name, and Nintendo is the name in gaming. Atari screwing up the deal which would have had so many repercussions that it’s impossible to truly quantify. That’s why, at least from Atari’s perspective, it was the dumbest move in video game history.
And that’s it for this week’s edition of The NPCs. Tune in next Thursday as Tyler Perry comes on the roundtable to discuss his next movie: Tyler Perry’s Madden-Headed Brothers.
About the Author
The NPCs
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