Cheers, Nintendo. E3 2010 was YOUR show.

Here’s to you, Nintendo. After three years of terrible, atrocious, “gag me with a cinder block and gouge out my eyes with a spatula” E3 appearances, you finally came through. No, that’s not painting the full picture. You just didn’t just come through. You came through with one of the best E3s of all-time.

As Sony and Microsoft scrambled to catch up on your domination of the generally retarded population casual market, you remembered what E3 is all about. Past the booth babes, bright lights, and keynote speeches, E3 is about one thing: the games. The only people who watch, follow, or give a crap about E3 are hardcore gamers who love playing deep, immersive titles. No one who is streaming an E3 feed wants to witness a girl rape a tiger or watch a group of people flail their arms about like mad men in front of a television screen. We want real games. Real games that can absorb us and leave us wanting more.

And you delivered: Zelda, Donkey Kong, Kirby, Epic Mickey, Kid Icarus, a Goldeneye remake, Golden Sun, and a slew of other awesome titles for the 3DS (including Ocarina of Time and Star Fox 64 remakes. Yeah, that’s the sound of you defecating and ejaculating at the same time). The 3DS was so mind-blowing that it was hard to enjoy my test session while all the other exhibitors were raving (and sometimes crying) over how great it was:

“Oh sweet elephant tits! It actually works! It … actually … works! NO GLASSES!!!”

“It’s like I’m rubbing Jesus’ cock right now! It’s really 3D!”

“Thank you sweet lovely Nintendo for this tri-dimensional work of art! May bags filled with golden bricks and rubies gently land into the palms of your offspring!”

So, how did you manage to change the perspective of millions of hardcore gamers who were so certain you had sold out? Well, here’s what I spotted:

1) You didn’t showcase any time-consuming sales reports, “facts” pulled straight out of your asses, or pictures of old couples laughing their asses off while playing Wii Bowling.

2) You revived old franchises that you had left for dead years ago

Out of all the Nintendo classics I wanted revived, Donkey Kong Country topped the list. Not only did you decide to bring back a franchise that everyone loves, but you also gave it to Retro Studios, a developer that everyone loves. Sure, did you take Metroid from them? Yeah, and I bet they were pretty pissed about that. But they seemed to transform that frustration into creativity: Donkey Kong Country Returns looked perfect. It’s everything anyone would want from a DKC revamp, and if anyone watched a video of the game and didn’t get excited, then they must be blind.

But that wasn’t the only franchise you decided to bring back. Kirby made a return as well, and while I’ve always loathed the fact that Kirby Gamers were slower than a sloth with no legs, Epic Yarn had enough intuitive elements to make me want to get my hands on it again.

And then there’s Kid Icarus for the 3DS. I never played the original Kid Icarus game, but based off what we saw at E3, the new 3DS version will probably be able to beat the original in a game of chess and rape it afterward.

3) You revealed a new Zelda game that will do what we expect from a Wii Zelda

While your Press Conference presentation of Skyward Sword was embarrassingly entertaining, the game’s 1:1 motions (which apparently worked like they are supposed to in private demos) showcased what we expected from a game you released three and a half years earlier. But the length between the last Zelda and this one no longer matters. A new Zelda is finally coming out, and it looks beautiful enough to get anyone with a pulse excited.

4) You didn’t reveal a single rip-off peripheral

After years of revealing Zappers, Vitality Sensors, and other plastic shells, you finally realized that all of them were vinyl pieces of crap that we could make with cardboard if we had the time (except the Vitality Sensor obviously, which was dumber than a dead Carrot Top anyway). With no junk to waste our time, you had extra space to reveal games. Fortunately, you used all of it. You showed games with gameplay-only trailers, games that were playable at the show, and to put it bluntly: games that were awesome.

5) You brought the “wow” factor

While the Wii’s success may have convinced developers to dive headfirst onto the casual bandwagon for stupids, the 3DS showed that games can appease both the hardcore and the casual at the same time. The DS has always been the system that had the widest appeal, from gamers who only play RPGs and shooters, to seven year old girls who want to fondle imaginary animals. You showed that the 3DS will continue that path of eclecticism with titles like Paper Mario, Resident Evil, Mario Kart appeasing the hardcore while games like Nintendogs and Animal Crossing will appeal to people of all ages.

Oh, and it’s worth repeating: you are giving us Ocarina of Time and Star Fox 64 remakes. Enough said.

Sony and Microsoft, the two companies which gamers have been relying on to get their hardcore fixes are now running in loops around you. You jump on the casual, they stick to the hardcore. You jump back to the hardcore, they offer half-assed attempts to capture the casual. Who knows what their next move is? But I bet their facial expressions looked something like this after your E3:

It looks like E3 2010 will go down as the year when Microsoft and Sony sold out on all of us, and you came back. Nintendo, welcome back. I lift this fine, biting glass of Ketel One I am currently pouring to you. You blew us all away this year. Now keep it up so I won’t regret writing this when E3 2011 rolls around.

***For more Nintendo rants, musings, and listings, check back every Monday for more editions of The Nintendo Dude.***