Eight Nintendo Enemies you should never underestimate
When it comes to Nintendo Games, everyone knows about the big guys. Ganon, Bowser, and Ridley are all staples of Nintendo villainy that you know you must be ready to face in their respective games.
But what about all the other unsung enemies of Nintendo’s empire of one-dimensional evil creatures? Well, most of them deserve that status of being forgettable. But there are few that should never be judged based on their appearances. They are the gnawing, scheming Nintendo enemies that always manage to bite you in the ass for not giving them the due attention they deserve. Here are eight of them.
Wild Rattatas (Pokemon)
You just got out of the Viridian Forest. Your Bulbasaur is down to only 2 HP after getting his green shit rocked by a swarm of Caterpies. Backing him up is a Metapod that chooses to only know Harden. You just ran out of repels. There are a only a few patches of grass left between you and Pewter City, but Bulbasaur should be able to take out any enemies with a single tackle attack, right?
BZZZ. Wrong as a creationist. There is one Pokemon standing in your way that will make sure the closest you come to seeing Pewter City is on a postcard. I’m talking about Rattata, stupid. That purple dick-chomper knows Quick Attack, which will make your Bulbasaur look about as fast as a paraplegic rock. To boot, Quick Attack is designed for one thing and one thing only: murdering crippled Bulbasaurs.
So yeah, you better save up and buy some extra repels.
Pokey (Earthbound)
Here’s a rule to live life by: never pick on the obese, whiny kid in school. They will always come back to slaughter you as a giant mechanical spider. Always.
The Earthbound franchise isn’t exactly known for its cute and fuzzy stories. The games posses some of the darkest, most depressing themes in all of gaming. Pokey is no exception. At the onset of Earthbound, Pokey appears like your average rich douchechild. However, Pokey is able to use his resources (and hatred for Ness) to return later as an evil cult-worshipping nemesis. The driving force behind Pokey is that he is hellbent on doing one thing and one thing alone: flooding Ornett’s sewers with Ness’ blood.
After failing to kill Ness, Pokey comes back with bigger plans than murdering the thirteen-year old down the street. In Mother 3, Pokey believes that humans are too stupid to exist without corruption, so he goes on to create a utopia called New Pork City. The metropolis is created from an elitist race called the Pigmask, who kill anyone who dare defies them.
So the next time you make fun of James Finnegan for ordering an extra milk, remember that he could grow up to become Hitler.
Bloober (Mario)
Bloober is the biggest, baddest, most blood-thirsty sea monster of them all. He may look like a wimpy innocuous squid, but Bloober’s got a mean streak like no other oceanic creature. While your busy gathering Mario’s breath, Bloober stealthily plans his attack. He’s like Sam Fisher, but with a pair of balls (and tentacles). Sometimes he chooses to swim up and down like a total pimp, and other times, he floats about randomly, toying with his enemies’ heads. Just take a look at this guy:
He makes the Kraken from Clash of the Titans look like your grandfather’s taint. Most importantly, Bloobers attack in schools. So if you thought one Bloober sounded bad, just wait until a whole school of these ink-spewing baby killers are chasing after you.
Shy Guys (Mario, especially Paper Mario)
Shy Guys are the red trench coat wearing, masked little midget men of the Mushroom Kingdom. If that description makes Shy Guys sound like a child-rapist to you, then congrats, for you are still using your brain. Like all pedophiles, Shy Guys may look weak and frail on the outside, but they are actually conniving little pricks with numerous tricks up their sleeve.
In almost every Mario Game, Shy Guys are one of the few villains immune to Mario’s simplistic crushing method of execution. Instead, there are numerous puzzles, maneuvers, and cheats you must learn to defeat a Shy Guy. But why? Because Shy Guys are smart as Richard Dawkins, that’s why.
Shy Guys easily have the highest IQ amongst Mario’s enemies, and they are the ultimate example of why enemies with brains are far more difficult to defeat than enemies with umm … no limbs.
Skull Kid (Zelda)
When it comes to annoying little bastards, Skull Kid ranks right up there with Justin Bieber, Jake Lloyd, and the Hamburglar.
At first glance, chasing the Skull Kid in the Lost Woods doesn’t seem like much of a challenge for you. After all, you are the fucking Hero of Time. You’ve roasted the corpse of a giant arachnid at the foot of a dead talking tree, and you have eaten the flesh of giant, deformed lizards. You’ve murdered entire families of Skulltulas just because they chose to climb on the same vine patch as you. Chasing after a three-foot tall straw man can’t be too hard?
Well, give me a second as I laugh at your ignorance. Skull Kid could care less about your quest to save Hyrule from Ganon; he doesn’t give a fuck about anything. He isn’t here to play any of your stupid, self-righteous games, for he likes to play his own games … with your mind. After ten minutes of chasing him in the Lost Woods, you’ll begin to think down is up, right is left, and Kesha is physically attractive. Skull Kid is one of the most irritating, grating, and painstakingly-annoying characters in all of video games, and he’ll make sure you pay for not giving him the initial respect he has earned.
Zubat (Pokemon)
Following Rattata’s lead, Zubat is a Pokemon you just expect to defeat at first glance. It’s a scrawny, little, deformed bat. A seemingly minuscule victim to one-hit KOs.
Indeed, most of the Zubat is easily beaten. But that’s not before he completely ruins any chance of you escaping from whichever cave you’re in (alive). Zubat knows the following three attacks that can cripple any Pokemon, no matter how strong: thunder wave, poison sting, and confuse ray. He can paralyze your Pokemon, poison them, and turn them into self-hurting retards.
It also doesn’t help that Zubats are clinging little jackasses. Most of the time you can’t escape a wild Zubat; it forces you to battle it. Also, since Zubats drench every single cave in the original Pokemon games, there is practically no way to avoid him. More Pokemon rage quits have been caused by Zubat than every Pokemon Gym Leader combined.
So just get a few max repels, and you can focus on catching Onyx later.
Bridges (Star Fox)
Guest Written by “Combo Breaker” Columnist Jaleel Boone
Star Fox 64 is good for making you feel like Han Solo in your little spaceship. You’re taking down fleets of baddies, dodging all their fire, picking up power-ups along the way; you’re just too cool for school over here. Once there are no more bad guys, you’re asked to cruise for a bit, and merely go under a bridge.
Now you’re fucked. See, you can’t barrel roll out of a bridge in Star Fox. Best part is that since it’s on rails, the whole screen zooms in on the walls of the bridge, so your panicky mind feels like its trying to fly through an Arwing shaped cut-out. Before you know it, you just crashed into the bridges’ legs. But don’t worry, this won’t be your last encounter with a Star Fox Bridge.
Koopa Troopas
No one gives Koopa Troopas any credit. They’re technically the least-threatening of Mario’s foes, but that’s just because they appear to be cute, healthy, carefree turtles. Deep down inside though, each and every single Koopa is a psychopathic cutthroat assassin. They are the suicidal Kamikaze frontliners of Bowser’s army, and they will let you know it.
While you’re busy banging Mario’s head against blocks with question marks on them, Koopas are just strolling about, doing their thing. You view this as them being lazy, or not being designed properly. But no, the Koopa Strategy is one of the most ingenious, uncredited techniques in all of video games. Eventually, you begin to completely forget that they even existed, so when you jump down from smashing that coin-filled square, there will be a Koopa waiting for you. Then WHACK- there goes a 1up.
But the true beauty of a Koopa Troopa is their unforgiving, relentless nature. They see you and they’ll just keep walking, and walking, and walking; not a change in velocity, and not even a change in their facial expression. They won’t give a flying shit if there’s a infinite crevice or two in their way; they will fall down into them and think about devouring your organs for all of eternity.
***For more Nintendo rants, musings, and listings, check back every Monday for more editions of The Nintendo Dude. Or, if you’d like to yell and scream at him, e-mail him at steve@damnlag.com***
About the Author
Steve Bogda
Steve is the primary owner of The DamnLag. He currently attends New York University, where he studies Film, History and Politics. When he is not writing about Nintendo, Steve runs the day to day operations of The DamnLag, as its Editor-in-Chief.
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