Five of Gaming’s Biggest Jerks

Video games have given us some of the most memorable and influential characters in entertainment: Mario, Link, Pac-Man, and Gordon Freeman to name a few. These characters have become household names as synonymous with everyday life as John F. Kennedy and Elvis Presley. Unfortunately, not all of gaming’s most memorable characters are memorable for good reasons. Some of them are remembered for being some of the biggest assholes in all of entertainment.

These creatures go by many names: douchebags, assholes, dicks, bastards, and bullies. However, the most common name in usage is jerks. Gaming is filled with some of the biggest jerks you’ll ever be forced to interact with. Here are just a few examples of gaming’s biggest jerks.

Lakitu (Super Mario Bros)

Metajerk Rating: 73

Biggest Jerk Move: Destroying the Flow of a Mario Level

In Super Mario Bros, Goombas, Koopas and Piranha Plants are pretty easy to take down. Even Bowser becomes a cake walk once you’ve got the timing down. But then there is Lakitu, a turtle who rides on a cloud and drops spiked turtles in your path. Your first instinct is to run away, but Lakitu breaks the rules and follows you through the entire level. Even if you do manage to take him down, another one will appear a few seconds later to continue the spiked shell carpet bombing.

Every game has that one enemy who makes you cringe every time you see it. Lakitu, however, is definitely among the worse. In recent years, Nintendo has attempted to clean up Lakitu’s image by making him into Mario’s private helper. He does the countdown in Mario Kart as well as hold the camera for you in Super Mario 64, but don’t be fooled. Lakitu has not change his ways, he’s just as big a dick now as he was then. He’s just biding his time until Mario lets his guard down, and when he does, BAM! Spiked turtle shells will rain down upon the earth just as it was predicted in some religion’s Holy Book.

It also doesn’t help that he handles a camera about as well as Michael Bay.

Slippy Toad (Star Fox)

Metajerk Rating: 80

Biggest Jerk Move: Existing

Some people say that Slippy is the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Fox franchise. I think it’s an insult to the good name of Jar Jar Binks. At least Jar squared only appeared prominently in one movie, and he didn’t try piloting one of the ships. Slippy has not only appeared in every single Star Fox game, including Star Fox Adventures (seriously, they took out Falco but kept this guy), and he is probably the worst driver since Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon 4. There needs to be a rule that when a fellow pilot gets their into trouble that many times, friendly fire should be overlooked in favor of the mission.

I’ve always theorized that Slippy is actually a spy, sent by Andross to sabotage Star Fox’s efforts through the power of annoyance. Then again, maybe Andross just did that in the hopes that Star Fox would realize Slippy’s facade and execute him, that way Andross wouldn’t have to fill out all the paper work.

There is also the issue of his name. Seriously, Slippy Toad is the best Nintendo could come up with? Maybe you need to get a certain amount of kills before you earn your the honor to use your last name in the Lylat system. Until then, you’re just referred to by your nickname in middle school.

Otis (Dead Risisng)

Metajerk Rating: 92

Biggest Jerk Move: Not Shutting Up

When I was a younger man, I had a friend whose grandmother would always call him up with questions. “How do I change the channel on the TV? How do I check my email again? Why does the DVD player keep making that awful humming noise?” After these calls, he would always moan about wanting to strangle her with the phone cord. At the time, I thought he was being a little bit extreme, but after playing Dead Rising, I think I finally understand where he was coming from.

Otis is the Willamette Mall’s best, and keeps you up to date through a two-way radio on all the latest developments. He lets you know when there are survivors nearby, what everyone is up to down at the security room, and tells you about whatever weird stuff he sees on the security cams (which he learned how to use after years of spying on the women’s dressing rooms in-between shifts).

Otis might seem like a huge bit of help, but he chooses to never shut up. When fighting off hordes of the undead, the last thing you want is some old guy calling you up to tell you that he saw a girl going into the hardware store. Thanks Otis, I’ll check that out once I’m done taking care of the other two hundred things I’ve got going on. What’s that? Little Timmy is stuck in the well? Why don’t you pull out your tongue and use it for rope. The back of the box says that anything can be used as a weapon, so why can’t I shove the damn radio up a zombie’s ass so Otis can bother somebody else?

Otis is the kind of guy Twitter was made for. Like the worst celebrities, he feels the need to let everyone know what he’s thinking about every few minutes, but unlike the drunken ramblings of Lindsey Lohan, Otis isn’t very interesting. I imagine his Twitter page looking something like this:

Otis Dry gum underneath table at the food court, only slightly chewed. JACKPOT!

Otis Put a sign saying do not enter on the men’s restroom ROFL!

Otis Casual Friday ;D

Otis New Justin Bieber album OMFG!!!<3

Prophet of Truth (Halo)

Metajerk Rating: 86

Biggest Jerk Move: Being A Pretentious Religious Douchebag

The Prophet of Truth is the main antagonist of the Halo series and the religious leader of the Covenant, a group of half a dozen species of aliens that are hell-bent on spreading their faith throughout the universe. So they’re sort of like Jehovah Witnesses, except instead of handing out pamphlets, they shoot lasers.

Truth looks to be a cross between Pope Benedict XVI and Kermit the Frog. Unlike most video game villains, Truth believes that he and his Covenant are the good guys and the humans are the evil heretics. I’ve always felt that villains are much more threatening when they think they’re doing good, rather than being conscious of their own malevolence. Then again, Truth’s plan for Spiritual nirvana involves unleashing an alien spore to wipe out all life in the galaxy, so maybe he’s a bit more Charles Manson than Benedict.

The real problem with Truth (besides his lust to end organic life in the universe) is just how pretentious he is. He assigns almost everything a biblical name: Halo, Flood, Arbiter; etc. Hell, he names all the covenant ships after different spirits. I get it Truth, you’re a holy dude. You don’t need to name your cat Mary to prove it. He also wears a stupid hat, which is essential to any religion, but hey, at least he doesn’t assign a specific day in which you have to waste ten hours of your life worshipping him.

Dracula (Castlevania)

Metajerk Rating: 95

Biggest Jerk Move: Immortality

In recent years, The Twilight Saga has turned vampires into the romantic dreams of twelve year old girls, but before Anne Rice and Stephanie Myer ruined everything, vampires were some of the scariest movie monsters around. This especially refers to the granddaddy of them all: Dracula.

Bram Stoker’s creation has sunk his teeth into about every form of entertainment imaginable. Games are no exception. His most famous appearances are in the acclaimed series from Konami, Castlevania. In the Castlevania games, Dracula spends almost his entire existence battling the Belmont family, who, generation after generation, explores Dracula’s castle and drives stakes through his heart. Every family has its rite of passage, for the Belmont’s it’s killing Dracula. It’s surprisingly easier than studying for a Bar Mitzvah.

What makes Dracula such a dick? I could talk about his tendency to drink human blood, his egotistical mannerisms, or his mind controlling powers, but the worst thing of all is that he won’t fucking stay dead. He’s been stabbed, set on fire, crushed, pounded, drowned, and dematerialized down to the last atom, but the guy just won’t stay dead. What’s even worse is that he’s always capable of raising an undead army at a moments notice. Is there some kind of supernatural monster union I’m not aware of, or does he get them on loan from Universal Studios. He also wears Eighteenth Century clothing in modern times, which is like having the word “prick” tattooed across your forehead.

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