Five Disturbing Truths about Mario Games
The Mario franchise portrays a perfect world filled with bright colors, lovable characters, and cute little mushroom-skulled men skipping about. With over two-hundred million games sold, the world has seemingly bought into the illusion. But just because the world refuses to question Mario’s world, that doesn’t mean I won’t. The truth is, a lot of stones go unturned in the Mushroom Kingdom, and if you have the gall to ask a few questions, you’ll find out that it’s actually one fucked up place.
Mario’s Drug-Usage
Mario has hardly any super powers that could establish him as a hero. So what does he do to continue being the icon he is today? What he has to do: he outsources. Mario is a PEM (Performance Enhancing Mushroom) chuggin’ machine, constantly drilling a mix of old and new fungi into his system. They make him faster, bigger, and stronger, and without them, Princess Peach would be receiving the Bowser Express every night. Do you honestly think baseball players like Alex Rodriguez are the reason so many young kids resort to steroids? No, it’s Mario who has been juicing since 1985. Just take a look at the updated Super Mario Galaxy logo:
Encouraging steroid use isn’t the worst of it though. Mario also takes all different kinds of hallucinogenics to get him from point A to point B. Some of the plants he takes give him the abilities to wield fire, turn him into rocks,andr make him fly. Some even give him extra lives. Hell, Mario could just be imagining it all and we would never know. As for the negative side effects of ingesting all these drugs, just look what happened to Luigi.
Everyone talks about Grand Theft Auto’s effect on today’s youth. But let’s just wait until teenagers begin flying out of their windows believing they were unstoppable rainbow men who had a few 1ups to fall back on.
Mario is one huge stereotype
When people ask you to think of something Italian, Mario comes up rather quickly. This is despite the fact that Mario might be the most stereotypical character of all time. According to Nintendo, all Italians speakuh a little like a dees and love to “eats-a-pizza.” Mario possesses terribly broken English, a blue collar job that requires digging through shit-stained sewers, and a seemingly low intelligence level. Not the best portrayal of your standard Italian-American. Then again …
Yet I digress. Imagine the reaction if an American developer created a Japanese character who said “Ret’s a go!” every time he jumped, or if a black character screamed “Imma gonna bring the pain train up in this hizzay!” every time he loaded a weapon. Oh, shit-
Yoshi’s sexual reproduction process
Nintendo purposely designed Yoshi as a green, cute and cuddely dinosaur to guise the reality of what he truly is. Yoshi is the cross between a blood thirsty velociraptor and a sex-charged Xenomorph.
If Mario is a perpetrator of genocide, then consider Yoshi the torturous instrument by which he commits mass murder. Death by Yoshi is a more painful form of execution than being burnt alive, crucified, and stabbed all at the same time. The process involves a victim’s body being eaten, digested, and fertilized in the time span of a second. Sure, from the outside it all looks like a quick and painless “poof,” but inside of this bastard of a dinosaur, a sickly conglomeration of organs, chemicals, and corpses is being formed.
And what’s the end product? An egg. Yes, this is how Yoshi asexually reproduces. His young needs the nourishment of a host body in order to grow within the egg, meaning that a rotting Goomba corpse is the source from which a Yoshi baby grows. But look at his wee little shoes. He’s so adorable!
Yes, in some versions of the games, Yoshi just encases him victims in an egg. Not so bad, right? Wrong, for that’s only half of the story. Yoshi’s next step is to fling the encased victim into the nearest hard object, vaporizing the poor Goomba into a pile of bits. Death by ingesting and obliteration: the Yoshi way.
The Goomba and Koopa Genocide
Let me paint a picture for you.
It’s a beautiful Saturday afternoon. You’re a Goomba. Your abilities are limited to walking in straight lines due to your lack of limbs. Not many options. So you decide to take a harmless stroll in the Mushroom Kingdom fields. It’s healthy, relaxing, and keeps you out in the sun. What could possibly go wrong?
Well my friend, you just chose to get crushed to death. The beloved Mario slaughters hundreds of innocent Koopas and Goombas each day simply because they have the audacity to walk along the same path as him. You think he’s going to show you any mercy?
Goombas and Koopas are the faceless, innocuous victims of Mario’s hopping rampage. Sure, if Mario runs into them they’ll hurt him, but it doesn’t mean he should stomp them out because of it. Seriously, how threatening could this guy possibly be:
Mario is a genocide committing bigot, treating handicapped Goombas and slow-moving Koopas like stepping stones. Paper Mario revealed that Goombas and Koopas all have families, so that means every time Mario obliterates a Goomba, a child celebrates the holidays without a parent. Mario is somewhat like the Grinch to Goombas, but instead of stealing all of Whoville’s presents, he asphyxiated all of their adults.
Yet you wonder why Goombas charge nowadays …
The Mushroom Kingdom is just a faux utopia
Everyone just assumes Bowser is a villain because of his big sharp teeth and obsession with overtaking the seemingly utopian Mushroom Kingdom. But let’s look again at this perfect world before we put Bowser’s name down there with Stalin, Hitler, and the rest of mankind’s most infamous villains. The Mushroom Kingdom is …
a monarchy ran by one person …
a society filled with cloned civilians …
a world filled with colorful imagery designed to convey a sense of happiness …
a world where Magna Carta seemingly never existed ….
That’s the sound of George Orwell shitting himself. This isn’t paradise. This is a totalitarian state ran by a dictatorship. Princess Peach, the head monarch of this monster, is perhaps the most defunct leader of all-time. Quick: think of one decision she’s ever had to make that isn’t what flavor cake she has to make for today’s kidnapping reward. Can’t think of any? That’s because she hasn’t made a single one. Why would she when her entire population consists of mindless clones who worship her.
Only the rich leadership are allowed to play sports and games in their free time, while the rest are restricted to watching from the stands and working like sheep. And what do the rich eat in their free time? The decapitated skulls of their cloned civilians.
As for that big ol’ evil Bowser? Well, he’s a fucking revolutionary.
Backed with a personality and an untenable ego, Bowser is exactly what this mushroom-filled world needs. Too bad he’s too damn inept to actually make any revolutionary grounds …
***For more Nintendo rants, musings, and listings, check back every Monday for more editions of The Nintendo Dude.***
About the Author
Steve Bogda
Steve is the primary owner of The DamnLag. He currently attends New York University, where he studies Film, History and Politics. When he is not writing about Nintendo, Steve runs the day to day operations of The DamnLag, as its Editor-in-Chief.
Check out what's new |
 |
 |
 |
Comments |
-
http://frankenstone.wordpress.com/2010/07/27/five-disturbing-truths-about-mario-games/ Five Disturbing Truths about Mario Games | Frankenstone's Blog
-
RoG Rampage
-
wanderingpixel
-
http://007denison.livejournal.com/165395.html 007denison – Five Disturbing Truths about Mario Games
-
Valkyrio
-
Steve Bogda
-
hardrockguru
-
http://7wins.eu/cbprod/detail_32313/monster+galaxy+authority+guide.html Monster Galaxy Authority Guide | 7Wins.eu
-
http://rewfarasfvmsdr.com rewfarasfvmsdr
-
http://www.ziekegedachtes.nl/forum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=228062 Dewitt Hiestand
-
http://www.top10-onlinecasinos.co.uk/online-casino-gambling/ online casino
-
http://www.top10-onlinecasinos.co.uk/top-online-casinos/ top casinos
-
http://www.freebie-articles.com/ articles weaknesses
-
http://frogtacoma.com/?tag=body-organs Noriko Matkowski
-
http://www.discountofficesuppliesuk.co.uk/ricoh-aficio Ricoh Aficio
-
http://augustcarr410.livejournal.com/565.html discount office equipment
-
http://londonphotocopiers33.tumblr.com/post/12479293278/why-select-serviced-offices photocopiers london
-
http://environmentalsculpturing.com/pondswaterfalls.htm ponds and waterfalls
-
http://dietsrating.com/does-hoodia-works-to-suppress-your-appetite-and-help-you-lose-unwanted-weight.php hoodia appetite suppressant
-
http://www.flukiest.com/media?f_blog_id=429336 office supplies uk
-
http://www.veloenfant.org/ velo enfant
-
http://www.cardiofrequencemetre.org/ cardiofrequencemetre
-
http://www.myimmigrationhelp.com/immigration-consultant-migration-agent-in-adelaide-australia Immigration Consultant in Adelaide
-
http://www.whiteceramicwatches.net/ white ceramic watches
-
http://www.zeronicotinepatch.com No nicotine Patch
-
http://www.disquedurinterne.net/ disque dur interne
-
http://astore.amazon.com/morgan-silver-dollars-20 1886 silver dollar value
-
http://www.fourmicroonde.net/ four micro onde combiné
-
http://erupt.wtmblogblaster.com/ Plant Nutrients Online
-
http://www.plumbersuppliesuk.co.uk online plumbing supplies
-
http://podiatrieseaforth.com/ podiatre montréal
-
http://www.skeletonwatchmart.com/ skeleton watch
-
http://www.ceramicwatch.org/ ceramic watch
-
http://www.discountofficesuppliesuk.co.uk/office-supplies-uk/ office supplies uk
-
http://www.caissondebasse.fr/ site
-
http://www.baindesoleil.net/ http://www.baindesoleil.net/
-
http://www.montrefemmeguess.fr/ site
-
http://www.customtie.co.uk/club-ties/ club ties
-
http://thecaseagainstmarriage.com/wp Marriage & Divorce Why Bother
-
http://www.skeletonwatchmart.com/skeleton-watches/ click here
-
http://www.car-hifi-radio-adapter.eu/ Autoradioblenden
-
http://blank-dvd.org/index.php Blank DVD
-
http://www.tentedecamping.org/ tente de camping
-
http://smartboydesigns.com make money online
-
http://www.bottespascher.net/ site
-
http://www.friteusesanshuile.net/friteuse-sans-huile-seb/ friteuse sans huile seb
-
http://www.autoradiogps.fr/ autoradiogps.fr
-
http://www.glaciereelectrique.fr/ glaciere electrique
-
http://pillid.com/wordpress Pill ID Man
-
http://superinternetmarketer.net internet marketing
-
http://onlinegolfguide.net/ Free golf advice
-
http://www.bonanzagoldfields.com/ assays
-
http://www.garminforerunner305.fr/ garmin forerunner 305
-
http://www.whitewatch.org/ white watch
-
http://www.oondi.com/en/read:124089 http://kelly88owen.zoomshare.com/2.shtml/52b4fb3e9bd907fe0ba7198f2ba3dd24_4eab587f.writeback
-
http://www.reflexnumerique.org/ reflex numerique pas cher
-
http://thehunterswife.net/fishing-derbies-barbie-life-jackets-cupcakes/ Weight Loss
-
http://www.robotmenager.org/ http://www.robotmenager.org/
-
http://www.whitewatchesdirect.com/ white watches for women
-
http://www.epasajesbaratos.com/ Vuelos Baratos A Paris
-
http://www.litparapluie.net/ lit parapluie
-
http://www.planchagaz.net/ site
-
http://www.tireuseabiere.net/ tireuse à biere
-
http://www.mycoolcaravans8.com/ cool caravans
-
http://www.montresfemmes.net/ montresfemmes.net
-
http://www.sacamainpascher.org/ sac a main pas cher
-
http://www.bestpricebeds.co.uk/ cheap guest beds
-
http://www.robotmultifonction.net/ robot multifonction
-
http://www.gpsmoto.org/ gps moto
-
http://www.automaticwatchdirect.com/automatic-watches/ http://www.automaticwatchdirect.com/automatic-watches/
-
http://www.luxurycar4you.ch lamborghini verlei
-
http://www.makemoneyonthenets.com/ make easy cash
-
http://www.trampolineavecfilet.fr/ trampoline avec filet
-
http://lederp.forumotion.com/forum programming forum
-
http://www.consideringselfemployment.com How to be self employed
-
http://objetivos.org metas
-
http://www.piscineautoportante.net/ piscineautoportante.net
-
http://www.telephonefixe.org/ téléphone fixe
-
http://leathermansupertool.net Leatherman Charge
-
http://www.casqueaudiosansfil.net/ casque audio sans fil
-
http://www.disquedurexternepascher.fr/ comparatif disque dur externe
-
http://www.sorbetiere.org/ sorbetiere
-
http://www.telephonefixesansfil.fr/ telephone fixe sans fil
-
http://www.sacochehomme.org/ sacoche homme
-
http://www.fortlauderdaleautorepair.info/health/helpfull-tips-when-browsing-with-phentermine-weightloss-pills/ buy phentermine lowest price
-
http://sunglases.org.uk/s/c/bvlgari-sunglasses/ bvlgari sun glasses
-
http://www.imprimantelasercouleur.net/ imprimante laser couleur
-
http://bestguestbeds.blinkweb.com/index.html buy guest beds
-
http://basketenlared.com/how-expensive-is-phentermine-37-5/ phentermine no rx
-
http://www.maxref.com/fight-obesity-weight-loss-pills-along-diet.html phentermine adipex addiction
-
http://www.tablesbasses.org/ tables basses
-
http://www.whitewatchesdirect.com/white-watches-for-women/ http://www.whitewatchesdirect.com/white-watches-for-women/
-
http://www.decodeurtnt.org/ decodeur tnt
-
http://www.montres-homme.org/ montres homme
-
http://www.montreautomatique.net/ montre automatique homme
-
http://www.aspirateur-balai.net/ aspirateur balai
-
http://www.aspirateur-silencieux.fr/ aspirateur silencieux
-
http://www.balaivapeur.org/ balai vapeur
-
http://www.cuiseurvapeur.org http://www.cuiseurvapeur.org/
-
http://www.turbineaglace.net/ turbine a glace
-
http://www.buyfacebookfansbuyfacebookfansbuyfacebookfansbuyfansfansfans.info/ Buy Facebook Fans
-
http://www.hereiswhatyouwant.com pain relief
-
http://www.barbecueelectrique.org/ barbecue weber electrique
-
http://silvercoins.ag/tag/1922-morgan-silver-dollar-value/ 1922 morgan silver dollar value
-
http://www.barrieredesecurite.fr/ barrieredesecurite
-
http://www.barbecuegaz.org/ barbecue gaz
-
http://www.tzumii.com/triactol-the-breast-enhancement-serum-that-gets-results.html breast enhancement serum
-
http://www.ceramicwatches.org/ ceramic watches
-
http://www.friteuse-sans-huile.org/ friteuse-sans-huile
-
http://www.avvo.com/attorneys/60601-il-hall-adams-1127229.html Vicodin
-
http://www.trampolineavecfilet.com/ trampoline avec filet
-
http://www.montregps.org/montre-gps-running/ montre gps running
-
http://www.montregps.org/montre-gps-garmin/ montre gps garmin
-
http://www.siegeautobebe.net/ siege auto bebe
-
http://www.cafetiereexpresso.net/ cafetière expresso
-
http://www.friteuseelectrique.net/ friteuse electrique
-
http://www.trampolinepascher.net/ trampoline pas cher avec filet
-
http://www.planchaelectrique.net/ plancha electrique
-
http://ineedtomakecashmoneynow.com make money online now
-
http://wiki.canadiansportshooters.ca/index.php?title=cheapOutdoorBarStools cheapOutdoorBarStools
-
http://spacecoastmen.com/index.php/2011/11/check-out-the-new-iron-man-3/ Iron Man 3
-
http://aaa908.com/blog/a-few-methods-of-reducing-your-weight-can-in-fact-have-negative-consequences-on-your-health diet recipes
-
http://mission-teneleven.tumblr.com/ mission fitness
-
http://www.artslant.com/ew/groups/show/436625 Kia Picanto
-
http://www.vilago21.com/event/john+vespucci/302187/profile johnvespucci
-
http://bestbcaa.ucoz.com best bcaa
-
http://www.gaysvote.com/index.php?title=User_talk:Naiful1804 site
-
http://creatinesupplement.blogpico.com/creatine-supplement/ Lucia Emiraz
-
http://thenetworknew.com/story.php?title=new-england-patriots-giants-pick-against-the-spread Super Bowl Picks
-
http://whatisserotonin.spruz.com/pt/What-is-serotonin/blog.htm what is serotonin
-
http://www.theharvardwriters.com essays
-
http://www.ziki.com/en/bella-shelton+809798/post/Debt-negotiatio+13759863 bad credit debt settlement
-
http://gfd.ocean.washington.edu/wiki/index.php/User:Calculator1302012 Free Calculator
-
http://www.onedollararticles.org Depression
-
http://www.regarded.com.au flirt
-
http://www.salongig.com.au apprenticeships hairdressing
-
http://podcast.rockyview.ab.ca/groups/nolangrieb/wiki/4138d/Unique_Hoodia_Powerful_and_Reliable_Ways_of_Dropping_Excess_fat.html pure hoodia
-
http://www.rasoirelectrique.org/ rasoir electrique braun
-
http://level5motorsports.com/team.cfm Scott Tucker Racing
-
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0046112/ Scott Tucker CBS
-
http://www.tvguide.com/celebrities/penn-badgley/190745 Scott Tucker CBS
-
http://www.planetlemans.com/2010/12/11/level-5-motorsports-to-run-2-lmp2-cars-in-2011/ Scott Tucker Leawood
-
http://freeipad2now.com/Blog/blog/ http://freeipad2now.com/Blog/blog/
-
http://www.singlemomslife.com single parenting
-
http://www.hugeyield.us passive income
-
http://fanficology.com/story.php?title=free-ipad-2-proven-method-as-seen-on-tv free ipad
-
http://www.ziki.com/en/colton-bell+816781/post/Reasons-Why-You+13777944 SEO Link Monster scam
-
http://zoecarter658.blogspace.fr/3273947/What-Are-The-Positive-aspects-Of-Outsourcing-Your-Workplace-Window-Cleaning/ window cleaners
-
http://ethanbrooks403911.webs.com/apps/blog/show/12092826-scott-tucker-payday-loans-are-offering-extraordinary-rates-in-the-moment Scott Tucker Payday Loans
-
http://charlottewood87.insanejournal.com/453.html Scott Tucker Payday Loans
-
http://pofsecrets.org POF Secrets
-
http://todaydiscountdeals.com/ Justin Bieber Baby
-
http://www.socializr.com/event/31013630 Scott Tucker CBS
-
http://www.dailystrength.org/people/1333500/journal Scott Tucker Leawood
-
http://www.bpo-companies.com/reo.php REO Companies
-
http://www.bpo-automation.com/contact.html bpo software
-
http://hemimusclecars.devhub.com/ mister hemi
-
http://www.ggfb.org/index.php?c=308 http://www.athletesacceleration.com/how-to-run-the-400m-video
-
http://www.facebook.com/WhatisAquaponics fish aquaponics
-
http://www.zerofungus.com toenail fungus treatment
-
http:///www.wartscide.com genital warts in men
-
http://www.motionfinance.co.uk guaranteed car finance
-
http://www.vilago21.com/event/Searching+For+a+reasonable+Website+design+Company/380628/profile massachusetts website design
-
http://www.auto-deflectors.com/ hood deflector
-
http://www.touchtextbooks.com ipad textbooks
-
http://www.basstests.com Darin Gloeckler
-
http://www.tablealanger.org/ table à langer d’angle