When it comes to Nintendo Games, everyone knows about the big guys. Ganon, Bowser, and Ridley are all staples of Nintendo villainy that you know you must be ready to face in their respective games.

But what about all the other unsung enemies of Nintendo’s empire of one-dimensional evil creatures? Well, most of them deserve that status of being forgettable. But there are few that should never be judged based on their appearances. They are the gnawing, scheming Nintendo enemies that always manage to bite you in the ass for not giving them the due attention they deserve. Here are eight of them.

Outside of Disney World and the flashback-inducing Boomerang Channel (Boomerang has been playing Dexter’s Laboratory for a while now. Yeah, Dexter’s frickin’ Laboratory is considered a “classic.” Feel old?), nothing tops the Pokemon franchise in the nostalgia factor. For the most part, Pokemon has blocked out any recollection of my first through fourth grade experiences. Instead of schoolyard games and book reports, all I see are Rattatas and Pidgeottos. Hell, just one viewing of this video can bring me back to my ten year-old state of mind (and will do the same for anyone else who has Pokememories):

Back in the late nineties, kids like me were so fiendishly obsessed with Pokemon, that we just assume that we should know everything there is to know about the franchise. It’s only when you take a retrospective look as an adult that you begin to pick up little details that the games, cartoons, and cards sneakily revealed. Pokemon has a lot of excess baggage and weird little easter eggs that you all probably missed out on. Without further hold up, I present merely some of Pokemon’s many secrets.

Nintendo has created some truly iconic characters during their run. Mario, Link, Donkey Kong, Bowser, and Luigi have all become globally recognized stars. But despite every home run character that Nintendo has created, they have also designed some really horrific abominations. In fact, it’s safe to say character development is not Nintendo’s strongest suit. Even out of the icons I listed, only Luigi has something resembling a personality. The following eight horrors are the Big N’s failed attempts at adding “color” to games. Let’s just say it would be best if Nintendo left things black and white.

(Note: There are some pretty big spoilers here. This article was designed for Zelda fans who have experience with the series. If you do not wish to spoil any of the game’s plots, I suggest skipping parts concerning Zelda games you haven’t played yet. However, if you haven’t played either Ocarina of Time or A Link to the Past, I suggest you shut off your computer, buy a shovel, dig a hole, and bury yourself in it. Pro tip.)

When it comes to geeking out over Zelda, you’ll be hard pressed to find a bigger dork than me. I love arguing, hypothesizing and musing about the franchise. When it comes to Zelda, it’s really hard to bitch about much, despite how hard I try. There just aren’t that many things to complain about. After all, we’re talking about The Legend of Zelda here.

However, there is one colossal thorn that sticks into the neck of every Zelda fanboy: the series’ painfully aggravating, incoherent timeline. Split-universes, prequels, sequels, prequels to sequels, games set centuries in the future, and games set a millennium in the past; the Zelda timeline is one huge clusterfuck. With Miyamoto once again confirming that a master timeline indeed exists somewhere in his desk (presumably above his pot stash and below his drawer filled with syringes of dopamine), Zelda fans like me are now left wondering just how to make sense of it all. As I begin to dissect the series’ timeline more and more, I’m starting to realize one thing: I can’t. There are gaps within the series that are so wide they make the Grand Canyon look like a rabbit hole. Trying to solve the mystery of the Zelda timeline is like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle that purposely shape-shifts just to piss you off.

The Mario franchise portrays a perfect world filled with bright colors, lovable characters, and cute little mushroom-skulled men skipping about. With over two-hundred million games sold, the world has seemingly bought into the illusion. But just because the world refuses to question Mario’s world, that doesn’t mean I won’t. The truth is, a lot of stones go unturned in the Mushroom Kingdom, and if you have the gall to ask a few questions, you’ll find out that it’s actually one fucked up place.

Every Nintendo fanboy is a bit on the … needy side. They’re always asking for new games, new directions, and better versions of what Nintendo already offers them. All you have to do is take a visit to any Nintendo forum to see the stark irrationality of the average Nintendo fanboy (especially when it comes to their insatiable desires).

But one of the best strengths that Nintendo fanboys possess, second only to their ability to whine and avoid the sun, is their imagination. Nintendo lovers are great at wishing for things that will most likely never happen. There are dozens of Nintendo game ideas riddling the internet that were spawned by some of The Big N’s most passionate fans. These range from ideas that should be taken under serious consideration (like the five games I’m about to list) to some that are flat-out laughable (such as a Mario first-person shooter). I have assembled some of these musings into a five-game list, all of which are potential games that would kick some serious ass. Being the self-proclaimed “rational” Nintendo fanboy, I must admit that the following game ideas are all pipe dreams (Mario pun intended). They are mere creations of the collective imagination of the Nintendo fanbase (and mine, for that matter). But hell, a Metroid game developed by Team Ninja and a new Kid Icarus are prepping for their releases: now is the time for wishful thinking.

Every Nintendo fanboy is a bit on the … needy side. They’re always asking for new games, new directions, and better versions of what Nintendo already offers them. All you have to do is take a visit to any Nintendo forum to see the stark irrationality of the average Nintendo fanboy (especially when it comes to their insatiable desires).

But one of the best strengths that Nintendo fanboys possess, second only to their ability to whine and avoid the sun, is their imagination. Nintendo lovers are great at wishing for things that will most likely never happen. There are dozens of Nintendo game ideas riddling the internet that were spawned by some of The Big N’s most passionate fans. These range from ideas that should be taken under serious consideration (like the five games I’m about to list) to some that are flat-out laughable (such as a Mario first-person shooter). I have assembled some of these musings into a five-game list, all of which are potential games that would kick some serious ass. Being the self-proclaimed “rational” Nintendo fanboy, I must admit that the following game ideas are all pipe dreams (Mario pun intended). They are mere creations of the collective imagination of the Nintendo fanbase (and mine, for that matter). But hell, a Metroid game developed by Team Ninja and a new Kid Icarus are prepping for their releases. Now, more so than ever, is the time for wishful thinking.

A decade ago, Pokemon was bigger than God in this country.  Spawning hordes of brainwashed children with prodigal parents, the Pokemon franchise gave Nintendo enough money to buy two third-world nations. From the anime show, the merchandise, the training cards, and the video games, Pokemon became a bigger fad than Lady Gaga and MySpace combined.

Like all American fads though, our country’s obsession with Pokemon eventually blew over as soon as the franchise began to falter. Hundreds of poorly designed Pokemon supplemented the game’s library, with some having faces on their asses while others resembled pools of shit. The anime show lost its stature as a prominent tool for corrupting children, and the value of the elusive holographic Charizard card didn’t skyrocket as everyone initially believed (to my dissatisfaction). While Pokemon still sells faster than water in Japan, Pokemon’s presence in the Western world is now nothing more than a minuscule one. But there’s a way to change that all of that. It’s a path that doesn’t include a new set of color-themed games, or a new live-action movie filmed in migraine-inducing 3D.

Nintendo needs to give the world what it has secretly wanted since Pokemon lost its relevance: a Pokemon MMORPG.

Here’s to you, Nintendo. After three years of terrible, atrocious, “gag me with a cinder block and gouge out my eyes with a spatula” E3 appearances, you finally came through. No, that’s not painting the full picture. You just didn’t just come through. You came through with one of the best E3s of all-time.

As Sony and Microsoft scrambled to catch up on your domination of the generally retarded population casual market, you remembered what E3 is all about. Past the booth babes, bright lights, and keynote speeches, E3 is about one thing: the games. The only people who watch, follow, or give a crap about E3 are hardcore gamers who love playing deep, immersive titles. No one who is streaming an E3 feed wants to witness a girl rape a tiger or watch a group of people flail their arms about like mad men in front of a television screen. We want real games. Real games that can absorb us and leave us wanting more.

So after years of rumors, speculation, and fanboy whining, the new Zelda game was finally revealed at E3 last week.

The reception? More mixed when compared to the universal praise we’re used to seeing from an average Zelda unveiling (well besides The Wind Waker’s. That felt more like a maternity ward than a reveal). It was not the talk of the show like Twilight Princess and The Wind Waker before it. After seeing and playing Skyward Sword in person, I was left with an overall positive reception despite the negatives the demo showcased. Nintendo has never screwed up a Zelda game before, so I doubt they would start now with such a long development time. But just to make sure they don’t, here’s a quick guide for Nintendo to follow that will guarantee Skyward Sword a smooth entry into the pantheon of high quality Zelda games.