While the video game industry is relatively young as far as forms of entertainment go, it has been around long enough for its fanbase to develop nostalgia. Gamers look fondly back on the days when they thought things were better (I won’t get into whether they were or not). Games have also been around long enough for developers to realize they can cash in on that nostalgia, and squeeze it for every penny they can. So I figured we’d chat about some games that get it right, and some that really, really don’t.

With Other M coming out in what will likely be a matter of hours once this column is posted, I felt it was time to take a look back at the series. With a new creative team producing the new game, I also felt it was time to examine just what I’ve learned from each one old school public service announcement style. Hopefully we all remember that knowing is half the battle. Or something.

I’m a fairly big fan of platformers.  Okay, I love the shit out of them.  There’s a part of my brain that just won’t shut up; a part that thinks it would be fun to put a platforming game together.  I’m thinking of a platformer that would use pieces of all the other ones I’ve played.  Characters from one, items from another, running around the setting of a third, and you get the idea.  So I thought I’d pick the features I’d use from some of my favorite platformers, at the risk of accidentally writing fanfiction.

I know what you’re probably thinking: I’m going to blather on about the technical differences between Japanese role-playing games and Western ones. Well, you’re wrong; I’m going to blather on about how differently each one would handle a given situation within a game. In a hypothetical sense, of course. So, here’s how some events in JRPGs would translate into WRPGs.

I’ll be blunt. I am terrible at fighting games. Absolutely terrible. Human opponent or computer, it doesn’t matter. I get my ass handed to me almost every time. Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, Soul Calibur, Tekken, Guilty Gear, etc; the game doesn’t matter. I will lose no matter what. I’ve come to terms with this, but not everyone is self-aware enough to realize they suck at fighting games. I know I am not the only one: there is a whole army of gamers who secretly get their ass kicked everytime they load up a fight game. Here are just some of our many problems:

Ah, Square-Enix.  Mother of Final Fantasy, father of Dragon Quest.  I have something of a bipolar relationship with Squenix.  I love the hell out of them, but much like other people I care about, they sometimes do things that just piss me right off.  I’m sure most of you can relate.  It’s quite the rub, so I thought I’d touch on some hot buttons. Talking about Squenix I mean, you pervs.

Do you drop things? For no good reason? I do. All the freaking time. Bump into things? Right there with ya. Spill stuff? Don’t even get me started. My video game controllers are no exception to this, they get dropped more often than my phone. And if my DS could talk, it would likely press domestic abuse charges (if it wasn’t too retarded to form sentences, that is). The potential for stories of other people hurting themselves or damaging property because of the new motion control schemes from Microsoft and Sony puts a smile on my face, which should come as no surprise. Hell, I already have a Wii, and my Wiimote has tested gravity on several different occasions.

This can be especially embarrassing for gamers who pride themselves on their hand-eye coordination, as well. Egos can get bruised when everyone finds out that the guy who just smoked them online is the same one that flung their controller out the window and killed a raccoon. On accident. I’m also not talking about throwing your controller in a fit of nerdrage, either. That’s a separate issue entirely. Unless you’re unfortunate enough to get more clumsy the angrier you get. Like a gimpy Hulk or something.

The Evolution of Video Game Zombies

Yes, zombies. I have a thing for zombies (not like that, perv). I don’t know what it is. Scrambling, mindless, undead hordes just make me happy. Maybe it’s the steady diet of evil? Anyway, I thought a little retrospective on video game zombies would be fun. So walk with me through some of gaming’s zombie milestones. Quickly, they’re hungry. Um, you don’t need your entire brain, do you?

8-Bit Zombies: Basic Braineating 101

Castlevania and Ghosts ‘n Goblins pretty much had it down. Zombies funnel in endlessly from offscreen (Castlevania) or rise from their graves in equally infinite amounts (Ghosts ‘n Goblins). Powered by pure evil and focused on devouring everything in their way, they were also easily put down. Cannon fodder, for the most part. Likewise with any zombie showing up in a role-playing game, like Final Fantasy or Ultima. The technology was simply not sophisticated enough to give us a significant zombie threat. They were never the main antagonist, just the magically animated tools of some bigger bad guy. Filler, nothing more.

It could also be argued that since these guys are also magically animated, skeletons trying to kill you would also fit into this category. Because really that’s all a magically animated skeleton is: a magically animated corpse without all the meat that’s being animated magically. 

16-Bit Zombies: Advanced Skullchomping

Zombies Ate My Neighbors. I really shouldn’t have to say much else than that. But you know me; I aim to please. Probably one of my favorite games of all time, not to mention a great zombie game. While the zombie behavior is fundamentally the same as the previous gen’s, this game added a twist: hapless victims. Saving people from shambling corpses and other B-movie critters was much more rewarding than just mowing through walking corpses. You were saving people. For points.

And then there’s Ghoul Patrol. Lots of deep sighing and head shaking occur whenever I discuss the mess that came after Zombies Ate My Neighbors. This was supposed to be the sequel, but it was more of a step back. Followed by tripping over a shovel and falling into an open grave.

Viral Zombies: Playstation, PS2, and Gamecube

Then came the Resident Evil series. The first several games graced us with several different flavors of zombie: the slow shuffling variety, freaky zombie dogs, running zombies, even the giant Frankenstein inspired Nemesis. I won’t even get into the Lickers. Granted the dialog could have been better (I always hear “Jill sandwich” as “Jibble sandwich”), but these are zombie games, people. It’s not about what the characters are saying. Each game had to outdo the last, adding new kinds of monsters while still throwing hungry corpses at you.

The change from the previous generation was very apparent, as a single zombie could paste an inexperienced player quite easily if they weren’t paying attention. Masses of zombies scrolling in from somewhere off screen were traded in for a more intimate, and lethal experience.

It got even more diverse when the Gamecube’s remake came out. Not only did we get your average viral zombie, we also got running zombies, self-destructing zombies, and an unkillable zombie thing that was once a scared little girl. The harder modes also had zombies equipped with cloaking devices. That’s right, invisible zombies.

Current-gen Zombies: Hordes Upon Hordes Upon…

The first major zombie offering of this generation was the 360’s Dead Rising. Featuring what is possibly the highest number of onscreen zombies at once (up to 800 from what I understand, I never bothered counting) and a solid time limit, Dead Rising brought the zombie horde to a little town in Colorado. Which I am convinced to this day is actually Greeley. Not only could you take on or avoid the undead at your leisure, you could also take pictures of them, or put things on their heads to disorient them. Helpful in keeping them from trying to nibble your noggin.

While not necessarily revolutionary as far as zombie games go, Plants vs. Zombies is nevertheless unique in that you use your lawn to fight off wave after wave of zombies. The amount of effort put into actually giving every zombie and plant a personality was just icing on the very large tower defense cake. It also introduced “bwains” to my vocabulary.

Dead Space is more of a sci-fi twist on zombies than normal, with most of the action taking place in space. The necromorphs take on several different forms, but since none of them are really any less outlandish than Resident Evil’s monsters, I decided to include them anyway. The twist is that instead of taking them down with a headshot, you dismember them.

You knew I’d get to it, and here it is: Left 4 Dead. This is, as far as I am concerned, the definitive zombie series right now. Multiple types of zombies, in large numbers, all trying to eat your face. I assume that’s what they’re doing atleast, I’ve never asked. Screaming mobs of average zombies, as well as the special infected we’ve come to know and love, menace survivors and put their own particular spin on the zombie apocalypse. First a group of small towns in Pennsylvania, then Savannah, and most recently New Orleans all fall to grotesque things that used to be people.

And this doesn’t even include the games that feature zombies as incidental enemies, like most RPGs tend to do, or games that feature zombie-like creatures (the Cie’th from Final Fantasy XIII come to mind). As I love my zombies so dearly, I am quite excited to see what comes next as far as zombie games are concerned. 

This concludes our abbreviated tour of zombies in video games. Hopefully none of you were bitten. If so, I’m going to have to ask you to speak with my shotgun. Better safe than sorry.

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We all thought she was gone.  Exploded.  Smashed to bits.  But like most great antagonists, GLaDOS is much harder to kill than originally thought.

Okay, so maybe not, especially considering Valve’s retooling of Portal’s end sequence after promising us (hinting at, whatever) a sequel.  GLaDOS was just resting.  Biding her time.  Much like Valve.  Which means that about this time next year, if we’re lucky, we’ll be running through Aperture Science’s Enrichment Center once again. I for one could not be more excited for Portal 2, and you if you’re not, then you have no soul. 

Maybe it’s just me, or it might be the booze talking, but the video game industry has caught a major case of sequelitis.  I think it may have happened during one of the many crappy video game movies (Hollywood called them “nights of passion” I think), but according to my test results, it’s fairly serious.  The trend towards rehashing, reinventing, or reliving existing properties and franchises is overshadowing any inclination toward originality.  And no, I’m not telling you how I run my tests.  A lady never tells.

Let me throw a disclaimer in here:  I don’t play sports games, so I won’t be bringing them up. I recognize the logic behind putting out a different game for a new season.  That’s not where my disdain is pointed.  So put your bats down, Madden fans.