8 Types of Gamers (or just some bitches I know) : The DamnLag

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8 Types of Gamers (or just some bitches I know)

By Paul Cross

-June 20, 2010

You know these gamers, just like I do (or people like them, at any rate). I won’t lower myself to cover obvious gamer categories like the Troll, or the Spawn Camper, or the Team Killer. Those are too easy, everyone can spot them. These guys should seem familiar, because they’re all out there. They also may or may not be based on people I actually know.

The Game Breaker

The Game Breaker plays for one reason, and one reason only: to find every way to break or exploit the system as efficiently as possible. Finding ways to min/max every character (or at least the ones they decide to use) are second nature. Every exploit, sequence break, or glitch that helps him do it is a valid option. The Game Breaker considers story useless and irrelevant to gameplay, much like your appendix, or a third nipple. Characters are only interesting in how they can be used, anything relating to personality is wholly irrelevant. Stats exist to be maxed out, items exist to be taken, and skills/spells are only useful when used toward these ends.

What, that doesn’t sound like fun? This is fun for them. The Game Breaker delights in warping the designer’s creation to see how far it goes–until it breaks into an unplayable mess. Once he’s done squeezing one game dry, he moves on to the next one. A side effect of this is that the Game Breaker becomes very knowledgeable about the games he breaks, often to the point where they may or may not get jobs assembling charts for strategy guides. Or offering Pokemon breeding/leveling/trading advice. They can also be quite helpful when it comes to attempting speed runs, as finding the quickest way through a game is a hobby of theirs as well.

The Trophy Whore

You can guess where this is going. The Trophy Whore plays games with the express intent of claiming every trophy/achievement/star in a game. He will only play with you if there is a trophy in it for him that he hasn’t earned yet, or you agree to help with another multiplayer trophy in a different game. The Wii might as well be a toaster for all he cares. New 360 game? How may achievements does it have? New PS3 game? How soon can I plat? Some extremely choosy Whores will snub a game if the trophy selection isn’t to their liking. Picky bitches.

What happens when they get everything? Then they’re of to the next game and the next set of trophies. Their gamercard most likely resembles the bars on a cartoon general’s uniform. The plus side to this is that the Whore has a near encyclopedic knowledge of achievements, and can coach you through them if need be.

The Ninja

Underhanded tactics and misdirection are the Ninja’s bread and butter. While teamkilling is a possibility, the Ninja will typically use his deviousness in the service of his allies. Decoys, distractions and lies are the Ninja’s weapons, regardless of the game he plays. Alternate screen names and joke accounts are child’s play. You will never see him coming, leaving, or realize what he’s up to until it’s too late.

Trolls? Amateurs. The Ninja has wrapped their motives and actions in so much mystery that not even Agatha Christie could fit it all in one book. And it gets even worse if the Ninja is just fucking around instead of playing for keeps. And that becomes worse again if you have more than one Ninja in a playful mood, as no one works better with a Ninja than another Ninja.

However, the plus side is that having a Ninja on your side basically guarantees that either you win, or whoever you’re playing against walks away regretting it. If you play with the Ninja long enough, you might even be lucky enough to be let in on a few of his secrets. Just a few, though. The Ninja never gives everything away, because then you would know too much. And that never ends well.

Bad Timing Guy

Never on time for a game, and incapable of scheduling one when everyone else is free, that’s Bad Timing Guy. Want to play a game? BTG is in the middle of something else, but he’ll be free really soon, he promises. Sleeping? BTG is calling you to get on Steam, right the hell now. Walking your dog at three in the morning? He just got Red Dead Redemption, come on and play! This guy has the most uncanny way of choosing the worst possible times to try and start a game, and a knack for being busy when you want to start.

His unfortunate timing will even occur mid-game. His internet craps out, he has to take a phone call, his dishwasher just began vomiting out bloody demons and requires an immediate exorcism, things like that. It doesn’t matter how close you were to finishing that L4D map, his mother needs a ride to the hospital. Too bad about that Modern Warfare game, he’s bleeding from the eyes for some inexplicable reason.

Sometimes, he has an excuse. If having a separate group of shitty gaming friends or the inability to hold a normal human schedule count as an excuse. The reason you keep trying though? BTG is fun as hell to play with once your schedules mesh. He’s not intentionally flaky, and is always genuinely sorry you can’t get a game together. Which is likely the only reason you keep trying in the first place.

Lil’ Miss Snubs

Of course she wants to play a game, just not with you. Snubs will even make it a point to tell you that she’s playing something, and that you are being excluded. There’s no telling what kind of sick and twisted mind game she’s trying to trap you in, especially when she’s mid-game with your own friends. Oddly enough, she’s usually in a game with Bad Timing Guy. As if accommodating his schedule is a way to snub you even further.

The nice thing about this is that BTG will have someone to play with, while you try and figure out just what the hell you did to Snubs. Sometimes it’s nothing. Sometimes it isn’t even game related. It might be, who knows? She’ll never tell you, you have to guess. You should just know anyway, you jerk.

Mister Serious

This guy takes the game way too seriously. Rage quitting, temper tantrums, screaming, crying—you name it, he does it when things don’t go his way. Which is often. It’s not that he’s bad, per se, it’s just that he gets so into what he’s playing that one little thing going wrong can ruin the rest of the game. Missed a jump? He’ll be pitching a fit about it for days. And the fits he throws are nothing short of impressive.

The nice thing about playing with him? Entertainment value. Need a good freak out story? Call Mister Serious for a Left 4 Dead game, that’ll fix it. You’ll want to make sure you can record Mister Serious just in case you catch him being particularly sensitive about someone “exploiting glitches” or “spawn camping” or him just not paying attention (which might be the real reason he’s freaking out about the first two).

Mister Apathy

The polar opposite of Mister Serious, Mister Apathy doesn’t care one way or the other about how a game goes. Win or lose, he just doesn’t give a shit. He is completely unflappable. It’s a wonder he even continues playing at all. Yet, he claims to be having fun the entire time.

You may wonder why you continue to game with this person. The answer is simple: they can put up with nearly any kind of bad gaming behavior, and keep coming back. They are a black hole for abuse, insults, and trolling. Everything just rolls right off of them. Anything you can conceivably do to them in game, doesn’t bother them in the slightest. They might even find it all amusing, if anyone could ever get a reaction out of them. Then again, they’re usually the ones recording Mister Serious’ freakouts.

Immersion Guy

This one’s a little … off. Immersion Guy plays a game, and then makes it his mission to absorb, read, collect and catalog every tiny piece of fiction associated with it. Books, comics, fanfiction, fanart, you name it, he’s hoarding it away somewhere. Any fiction remotely associated with the game in anyway is something he needs to own.

Occasionally this starts as just being a fan of something that gets turned into a game, and already has a large fanbase. Star Wars, Naruto, Star Trek, Lost, or any comic book you can think of. The video game is just another collectible, and gets its own place on a shelf along with the rest of the collection. But usually it’s a result of some poor nerd getting wrapped up in a Doom or Halo novel, and the rest is an incredibly geeky downward spiral. The plus is that if they ever outgrow this, they have a ton of collector’s items they’re willing to unload for cheap.

See? I told you you knew these guys. Well, you do now, since I’m willing to bet you won’t be able to unsee them.

***Catch Paul every Sunday for editions of Diva Down.***

About the Author

Paul Cross

Paul graduated high school playing video games, got bored with college playing video games, and then was hopelessly sucked into retail, where he’s been trapped ever since, still playing video games. Now he writes about them, and it would best if you got out of his way.

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